I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
my being single is dangerous.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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