There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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