Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
