I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
