I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
