I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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