Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
is that a dick in a sweater?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
