Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
