We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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