dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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