Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
