I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
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