I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Ladies don't puke and tell
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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