Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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