He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
