Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
