Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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