I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
