just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
i think i just lost a toe
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
