I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
