I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
