You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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