Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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