best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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