I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
