I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm always down for nudity.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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