So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
