How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
