i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You need Xanax blowdarts
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
