my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize