Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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