Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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