I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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