My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
