I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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