he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
