Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize