just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
