My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
