This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
