I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
