my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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