Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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