How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
