I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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