I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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