shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
