You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
