you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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