I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
