Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
