Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize