Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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