I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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