my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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