shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
